Friday, June 22, 2007'♥
Letter to Lao D
We were 2 lonely souls who were looking for directions at that phase of our lives.. and our paths crossed unexpectedly.....
We walked down the road together, laughing, ranting out frustrations, comforting each other of problems we had encountered in our own lives.
We have stated clearly the rules to this game...it's a no string attached rule until i realised how naive were we...we always tot that we would be matured players who would play by the rules of this game...both of us were cool enough to remain this status, maybe u could..but i'm starting to play my own rules instead of
ours...
Ours...can i still use ours? Or has it been Ours? Ever since day one?
6 months might not be long... but it's not short neither... it's long enough to intertwine parts of our lives together, to change our attitude towards each other, to leave down bits and pieces of our times and memories together...
I know clearly the rules of the game, but yet i chose to take a risk, a risk of changing u...i thought as times passed by...as we go through events together, ur thinking will change...but i've failed, you're not that easy to convince....you're good at sticking to ur own principle...
In your heart..my placing is the least..i knew it...even Elmo holds higher place in ur heart than me....at least he would sleep with you and hear your breathing, watching u fell asleep every nite...but i'm contented with that tiny little space i had in ur heart...please do not take me away from ur heart..what i've asked for is you locked it in the inner part of your heart, not thinking of it and don't ever take it out in this life....
I plucked out my courage...the courage i've lacked of this few months...to ask u this million dollar question.. a question that will change the entire rules of the game, a question that will change the players of the game and the rules that will determine how the game goes.....
"Who am i to you?"... *in the most serious manner*...
"Whatever you think I am." He replied.
"Be serious can?".. I said
"A good friend." He answered
It's such a short and sweet sentence..and i know i shldn't probe further...i dun wish to hear the TRUTH...i've come to understand that TRUTH REALLY HURTS...not onli did it hurt ur heart, but it's piercing through my heart....but at least maybe i should be happy that you're honest about
Us" A Good Friend" has indeed woke mi up or rather shaken mi from the sweet dreams i had these past few months.......
We are just two ships which just happened to be in the same harbour by chance for a short while...but leaving to different destination in the end....
You've asked mi..."who are you to me"
I kept forcing an answer out of my lips...friend? best friend? acquaintances? flings? passerby?
I said in my softest voice, "passerby"...though it's just a word, though i know ur disappointed after hearing this...but i had to force it out...in order for mi to be able to move on to another destination...
You're my secret lover, you do hold a big part of the share of my heart..you'll never know how much i love you...or i shld said once loved you...
In ur car, inside the cd player... it lies a cd, cd full of songs which i've sent u, songs u loved, songs that i loved....and a song we both loved..I remembered the times when we sat in ur car... just listening to the music..you would be there humming the song..and i would sat there quietly wishing that this moment will never ever vanish....
Collin Raye - Love, MeI read a note my grandma wrote back in nineteen twenty-three.
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me. he said,
"Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but i loved your grandma so."
We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together.
Get married in the first town we came to, and live forever.
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead
Of her, i found this letter, and this is what it said:
If you get there before i do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long i'll be.
But i'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till i see you again,
I'll be loving you. love, me.
I read those words just hours before my grandma passed away,
In the doorway of a church where me and grandpa stopped to pray.
I know i'd never seen him cry in all my fifteen years;
But as he said these words to her, his eyes filled up with tears.
If you get there before i do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long i'll be.
But i'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till i see you again,
I'll be loving you. love, me.
Between now and then, till i see you again,
I'll be loving you. love, me.
Yes i know...
If ever...this would happen in the reality between me and u.. i guessed i'll be the most fortunate woman living in this era....
If ever...you knew how much tears i've dropped for you...i guessed you won't hurt mi this much...
If ever...i had a chance to know about this ending, i would have still continue with this game....
The smell of you still lingers, ur smile is still capture in my mind, the times we had together still so fresh like we've just met yesterday...
Perhaps...i'm meant to be loved and not to love...perhaps i could find a better ship that would sailed the same journey together with me....
Everything started out easy....and it should end easy....a pity that it ends early...but seriously...i'm tired of floating around in the air...i guessed it's the right time we shld say good-bye...Goodbye my Lover....
Now, let's sailed on on our separate journey....hopefully our ships would never meet again....let's sailed to a place which holds our final destiny......
____________________________________________________________________________
I almost forgot i typed this draft half a year ago...Time passed and we are actually "not together anymore". Though we still remain in contact, but the feeling are different.
At that time i thought I own him, I thought one day my love will melt away his stubborn thinking, I thought time will matured him, I thought he would want to commit his life with me.
But it's never gonna happen. We think, act, live differently. These goes to prove the old saying "勉强是没有莘福的。。。"
As I read through what I have typed, the sadness is still there, but the wound doesn't hurt anymore..perhaps i have move on, or perhaps i have locked all these memories in the inner part of my heart or perhaps when u try to see things from another angle, everything seems so simplified not like before so complicated.
I hope those who are currently in this kind of situations will be decisive and decide for themselves what is best for them...
Short note: This draft was prepared on 23 Sept...i knew one day it would come by handy...