Sunday, October 23, 2005'♥
A different Shirley...
(its going to be a boring post.. dun read it if u love the old shirley)
Its raining cats and dogs rite now.. for those who are sleeping..tink its veri comfortable ba..for those who cant slp....its so cold and lonely ba...
Ask mi one thing i fear in life... for those who reali understands mi.. they will know the answer...yes its LONLINESS... perhaps after 21 yrs of being an onli ger.. i longed for companionship... since young..i didnt bought monopoly.. coz there is simply no one to play wit mi.. when im bored.. i talked to my toys.. pretending tat im the doctor they are the patients.. my mum often tot im enjoying myself...actually im not...not at all.. i longed for sibiling..someone to talk to me...when im happy and down.. i hate the responsibilities of being an onli child....im afraid anything will happen to my parents one day.. and ill be alone in this cold world..
Although u might tell mi tat there are frens ard..and i agreed tat i got alot of frens.... maybe same as wad lena said in her blog.. frens often have their own life.. and now i began to wonder...where is all my frens...they all have their own lives.. some mit u for the sake of asking u favour.. some ask u out coz they are bored too.. in simple terms li yong ni ba....i got true and good frens.. but their characters are so much different from mi.. some are so close to their bf...while some dun drink and club... tats mi..the real me... i love to drink..do u all know tat?? i love the feeling of being high..
Saturday nite... i tried to get home as late as i can... did closing for Gloria Jeans... reached home ard 12.30.. and ive been sitting in front of the comp.. until now.. there is nothing for mi to do... no website to surf...no one to talk to ...and worst i cant get to slp... everyday i tried to plan my day... but the moment i reached home.. its the same old feeling again..parents are slping..and i will face the comp until im tired and slp..wake up and its the same old routine...
Im not HAPPY!! seriously im not.. i dunno where's the old cheerful shirley.. maybe she's dead?? i realli dunno.. and frens and colleagues ard mi.. can sense tat.. my colleagues even tot tat im not happy wit her.. NO NO NO...i just dunno y.. i became more quiet nowadays..i dun feel like talking and smiling..i cant remember when is the last time i had a good laugh.. i always gave fake smile in front of ppl..and u know its been so long since i last took a pic of myself wit my hp?? coz i cant smile nicely...*(for those who knew mi..i would always take pics now and then..but now not at all) and i stoned alot.. today at gloria jeans.. tze hwa was calling mi for abt 5 times and i didnt even notice tat...he was just right in front of mi... i dun wan this kind of life... in fact im sick of it.. but wad can i do?? i might go out and enjoy myself... but the moment i get home..things became the same again...
Do u know tat i didnt even had a msg the whole day?? my hp didnt rang at all... except tat i msged xiaohan abt the meeting time tmr and she replied...tats all...ah boy oso didnt call mi today... im so used to him calling mi almost everyday le...but lately coz of my mood, i oso nv talked much to him...wads the use of looking forward to weekend...when its the same as weekdays...some frens called mi but i just dun feel like talking so i nv ans their call.. i veri contridicting rite?? i oso y im like dat.. where is the purpose in my life???
I dun feel like celebrating my bd now.. maybe i would just hide in one corner and wished myself happi bd ba...just like this song Zu Wo Shen Ri Kuai Le by Landy. I dun see the point at all.. after all this yr is nt a good yr for mi at all.. its getting worse every yr... im just a living dead...i have no life.. im under depression... i just wanna find a purpose its tat realli so difficult???